


What Taeyong deserves

by agustbubu



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Blackmail, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Johnny tries to help, Lee Taeyong Needs a Hug, Lee Taeyong-centric, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Sad Lee Taeyong, Slice of Life, Stressed Lee Taeyong, Suicidal Thoughts, Taeyong is going through A LOT, Teacher Lee Taeyong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:41:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23375569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agustbubu/pseuds/agustbubu
Summary: "Taeyong had a particularly horrible day. Actually, scrap that, he’s had a horrible week thus far. He couldn’t even be glad that it was finally Friday and he could stay inside all weekend in the arms of his boyfriend. If he could have, he would have skipped the entirety of his upcoming weekend just to get to Monday.Unfortunately for Taeyong, he couldn’t do that. Nor could he jump in the arms of his boyfriend."or, Taeyong is going through a lot and starts to wonder if he deserves all of that pain but he is a stubborn asshole so he tries to deal with it by himself.
Relationships: Lee Taeyong/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 2
Kudos: 59





	What Taeyong deserves

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there!  
> I tried to put in as many things in the tags as possible, and if you want to know more about the aspects of this story that could be triggering, skip to the end notes first!
> 
> This story is pretty much me venting while also trying to give this a proper plot, hope it's still decent.

Taeyong had a particularly horrible day. Actually, scrap that, he’s had a horrible week thus far. He couldn’t even be glad that it was finally Friday and he could stay inside all weekend in his boyfriend’s arms. If only he could have, he would have skipped the entirety of his upcoming weekend just to get to Monday. 

Unfortunately for Taeyong, he couldn’t do that. Nor could he jump in the arms of his boyfriend just yet. As soon as he opened to door to his flat, he couldn’t help but notice that Johnny’s work shoes were missing from the ones that were piled near the entrance. Taeyong almost considered sitting on the floor and letting himself cry as he waited for his boyfriend to traverse through the entrance. 

He wasn’t a big fan of the idea of sitting next to used and possibly stinking shoes, so he gathered enough strength to reach their living room. He dropped everything he was holding, keys included, and jumped on the couch. He took out his phone to check the time and to text Johnny, to ask him when he’d be coming back, but when he opened their chat he felt so stupid for having forgotten about the conversation they had that same morning.

 **Johnny** (10:38)  
Hey bub, I will come back late today, my coworkers invited me to go out with them

 **Johnny** (10:38)  
Let me know if you want me to come back early though

 **Taeyong** (10:55)  
no, it’s fine! go out and have fun, you’ll probably find me at home grading papers when you’ll be back lol

 **Johnny** (10:56)  
Don’t overwork yourself and don’t forget to have dinner! 

**Taeyong** (10:56)  
don’t worry babe. i’ll try to stay up and wait for you. i love you <3

 **Johnny** (10:57)  
I love you too <3

They had to move back to Seoul because of Taeyong. Or well, because of Taeyong’s family. His mother was sick and Johnny, who knew Taeyong was already struggling to stay away from his family as it was, asked him if he wanted to go back to Seoul for a while.

For Taeyong it had been easy. He was born and raised there and art is a universal language, so teaching it in another country wasn’t that much of a difference. Plus, since he was previously a teacher in Chicago, the staff at his new school thought highly of him and saw that as an impressive part of his curriculum. 

Johnny, on the other hand, struggled a lot more. He always tried not to make it obvious, but Taeyong knew. He knew that, sure, even though Johnny had learned Korean growing up, he was nowhere near fluent when they moved. He knew that as much as Johnny liked visiting Seoul from time to time, he was deeply in love with Chicago and that’s where he belonged.

Because of that, Taeyong was ecstatic when Johnny told him his coworkers had invited him out. He knew that just like any other human, Johnny also wanted to fit in, but it seemed like everything and everyone was against him. As if that wasn’t enough, being in a relationship with a guy in Seoul was much different than what it was like in Chicago. 

Taeyong felt like he was holding Johnny back. But Johnny would never hold any of this against him, and there were days were that only made him feel worse. He had several of those days during this past week. Hearing that he was going out, that maybe he was going to fit in, make friends, other than making him feel like a mother that is happy to hear her kid is making friends at school, it made him feel better about his own troubles.

Now, however, he felt so damn selfish. He wasn’t going to text Johnny, he wasn’t going to tell him to come home, even if for a split second he considered it. But there was a part of him that hoped that maybe Johnny would be too tired to go, or that maybe they’d cancel their plans, and Taeyong felt so bad for wishing that. 

All this time he had put his own needs over Johnny’s and his boyfriend had let him do that because that was how much he loved him. _Do I deserve this?_ Taeyong often wondered that. Needless to say, the answer and the sentiment behind it changed depending on what question was referring to. 

He still wasn’t sure if he deserved Johnny. If he deserved to be loved so deeply every second of his life, to know that no matter what, he’d have someone to catch him if he fell, to have someone look at him as if he were the most beautiful and perfect person on this planet, when he was everything but. The only reason why his answer was never a strict no was that Johnny had spent too much time trying to convince him that he did for him to diminish his hard work and still be convinced that he didn’t. 

Now, did he deserve the week he had just passed? Taeyong was more confident with that answer because he didn’t feel like he did. There was already so much on his plate, he didn’t feel like he could take more. But whenever he thought he had reached his limit, something else was added onto the long list of things he was supposed to take care of. 

It all started on Monday when he received an email from one of his old students. The beginning was pretty generic, a greeting, an introduction and simple courtesy questions. Then the email continued with the student letting him know that another student got expelled and that she knew Taeyong couldn’t do much at all but that she thought he deserved to know.

Taeyong had no idea what he was supposed to say. Apparently the student got into trouble with the teacher that had taken his place, which eventually led to his expulsion. Taeyong knew he was a great kid. Most teachers would complain about him constantly, but Taeyong could see right through him. 

But now that he wasn’t there to constantly defend him or help him to get out of trouble, he had managed to get himself expelled. Not even suspended, but _expelled_. Taeyong had eventually sent back an email thanking the student, and asking her how she was doing, how things were at school, and he then ended the email with the promise that he would contact the other student.

Taeyong didn’t work at that school anymore. He knew that the doors were always open, and the principal had told him that he’d be welcome back any time before he left, but still, he had no power within that school. Not that he had much to begin with, but at least he could try to do what he felt was right. 

He had yet to contact the student because he realised that, realistically, there was nothing he could do. What was he supposed to say? “Sorry you got expelled, want me to help you find a new school?” didn’t seem like the right approach. So he had decided to wait until he could put together something more decent. 

He tried to write down an email the following day while he was sitting at his desk during the lunch break but got interrupted by the homeroom teacher of one of Taeyong’s classes when he came in the room and sat on the desk next to his. The guy, who was known around the school to be a huge dickhead for lack of better terms, had the nerve to ask him out saying things like “no one has to know” and “it will be our little secret.”

Taeyong closed his laptop. “The bell is about to ring, Mr. Bong, I don’t want to be late so I’m going to leave now, I’d advise you to do the same.” He then stood up, ready to go to his class, but was stopped before he could leave the room.

“Don’t be like that, Taeyong, you know I could tell the headmaster that you were inappropriately flirty with me, even in front of students, who do you think she’d believe? Me or you?” He jumped off the desk with a smirk on his face and as he left the room he said, “Think about your options properly, Taeyong.”

Taeyong had never hated his name as much as he did whenever this guy said it. It definitely fell into the list of things he knew for a fact he didn’t deserve but once again, he had no idea how he was supposed to deal with it. 

The following day, Mrs. Seong sat at her desk next to Taeyong as per routine, but he could tell she was extremely fidgety, more than usual. She eventually approached him, “Taeyong-ssi, I wanted to get to my desk yesterday, but I might have heard the conversation you had,” Taeyong froze, “I know it’s bad, and I’m sorry if you think I overstepped, but I might have recorded some of it.” 

That night she emailed him the recording telling him that he could use it if Mr. Bong ever decided to blackmail him, but also asked him not to bring her name up unless extremely necessary. Johnny, who was laying on his shoulder as he was sitting next to him on the couch, asked him what that email was even about.

When Taeyong told him, he didn’t expect the conversation to end in a fight. “Taeyong, how many times to I have to repeat that you can’t say that he just asked you out when you know for a fact he’s not going to stop there,” Johnny told him, getting more and more heated up, “what will happen if you keep rejecting him and he won’t take no for an answer?”

“Babe,” Taeyong muttered, “do you really think I’m that defenceless? What is he going to do when we’re at school anyway? And Yehjin sent me the damn recording anyway, if it ever got to that stage, I could blackmail him back.”

Johnny groaned. “You shouldn’t even be planning on what to do in case things got worse, we shouldn’t be having this discussion to begin with because that guy shouldn’t be allowed to go around and threaten to get you fired when he’s the one that is going after you despite the amount of times you have rejected him already, it’s not fair.” 

“Well, life is unfair, Johnny, so I am dealing with the situation in the best way I can, stop telling me what to with my life, stop acting as if you always know what’s best for me because you don’t,” Taeyong knew he was bullshitting, as Johnny usually knew best, but at that moment he couldn’t think straight, and he just wanted this to stop. 

“I don’t know what’s best for you?” Johnny laughed bitterly. “You know what, never mind, this is pointless.”

Taeyong stood up and stopped Johnny before he could leave the room. “No, say it, say what you were thinking if you dare,” Taeyong locked his eyes with Johnny. “You saved my life—actually, no, you helped me save myself, so yeah, you obviously know what’s best for me better than I do sometimes, but I’m not a lost 18 year old anymore, let me deal with shit my own way for once.”

He then went to their room and laid under the warm covers. He didn’t cry, because he wasn’t sad, he was just disappointed. He knew Johnny was stressed too, he knew things were hard for him too, but Johnny had always let him do things as he deemed right. 

Johnny tried to stop him whenever he was about to make a huge mistake and he was always there when Taeyong didn’t listen and had to suffer the consequences. But ever since they got together, they never had fights over it. If Johnny didn’t agree with something, he’d let Taeyong know, they’d talk about it and usually, that was it. Because in the end, Johnny trusted Taeyong. The fact that they had to argue over this made Taeyong feel like Johnny didn’t trust him anymore, but he didn’t know what he had done to deserve that. 

After a while, Johnny came into the room and sat on the bed. “I’m sorry, I got worried because I don’t feel like I’m in control of things here, you know? If this happened in Chicago, I’d know what to do even if things got more serious, I’d know how to help, but here in Seoul, I wouldn’t even know where to start.

“I obviously want you to be safe regardless of where we are and I want to be able to protect you, but I think I haven’t accepted the fact that this is your city, it’s your job, it’s your culture and whatnot, if there’s someone that knows what to do, it’s you.”

Taeyong waited for a couple of seconds, letting those words sink in. “If I sent that recording now, he could easily disprove it,” Taeyong said, “since it’s a voice recording taken from outside of the room, you can’t see him and even though you can hear things, it’s not that clear, and the person that recorded it and heard the conversation won’t agree to side with me.

“I’d be seen as a liar, or worse, I could get fired and my reputation would probably follow me, making it harder to find a job, especially since the school year has already started, but even if I didn’t get fired, who would believe me if I brought new evidence against him? At that point, they’d all assume I’m lying again, and also, what would he do as some sort of revenge? I can’t risk it all just because I have a short audio clip on my hands.”

There was more silence for a few moments. “You’re right, it is not fair, and I wish things were different, but you’re right, there isn’t much you can do now,” Johnny took a deep breath, “and I’m sorry for what I was kind of implying earlier, it wasn’t really what I was thinking of, but it sure sounded like that, and I’m sorry, regardless of what I was implying, I have no reason to ever hold anything against you.”

“It’s fine,” Taeyong said as he looked at Johnny. He knew that they were similar when it came to things like this. Having someone be too understanding when you think they should be mad at you makes things more difficult to get over and he could see it was bothering Johnny, but Taeyong was more than ready to move on. 

“Are you sure it’s fine?”

“Yeah,” he nodded, “my mind went there, I know you would never hold that against, you’ve had several occasions where you could have but you never did, and I appreciate that, but in that moment that’s the first thing that popped in my head so I went with it.” Taeyong shrugged.

“But nothing I say should ever make your mind go there, I should be way more careful and mindful, but I fucked up big time instead.” Johnny looked down and bit the inside of his cheek.

“You can’t control what my mind thinks, though, and I know you love me too much to ever want me to be hurt in any way, so if you really want to make it up to me, you can come here, cuddle me, make sure that you are the only thing my mind can think of, and then make me dinner,” Taeyong smiled widely.

They talked some more as they were laying in bed next to each other. Johnny apologised again, and Taeyong made sure to let him know he was forgiven. Things were a bit awkward the next morning because Johnny obviously felt like he hadn’t done enough to be forgiven, but when Taeyong came out of his shower, Johnny was already gone. 

After work Taeyong decided to visit his mother in the hospital. He made sure to go at least every other day during dinner time while his sister often went during lunchtime, and since he hadn’t been there since Tuesday, it was definitely time for him to go. 

When he arrived, she was sleeping and looked more relaxed than she did when she was awake. Soon enough, a nurse came in to wake her up because she was supposed to eat and take her meds. He sat next to her, helped her with her food and in the meantime, she kept asking him questions about his life. “How are things with Johnny? Have you gone on a proper date here in Seoul?”

Taeyong smiled at the thought. “Nope, but I don’t know, it’d feel weird.”

“Why? If you went out for dinner, it’d just look like a regular dinner between two friends, no one would bother you, or you could go anywhere in Itaewon, people have always been more accepting over there.”

Taeyong had thought about asking Johnny to go out somewhere. When they were in Chicago, they promised to each other that even if they lived together, they’d on a date at least once a week. It wasn’t always easy, especially when their schedules got more hectic, but it was a promise they had never broken, even if it meant that their dates sometimes consisted in things like watching the stars as they had dinner in their balcony. 

However, they had been in Seoul for a month and they hadn’t gone on a date yet. Taeyong still remembered how the few relationships he had in Seoul before Johnny were always with guys that refused to even hold his hand in public. He couldn’t blame them, after all, PDA wasn’t a big thing in South Korea, not even between straight couples. 

But at least straight couples tend to look like actual couples, not a couple of strangers that just so happens to be walking in proximity of each other. Still, he got used to it. Until Johnny decided to give him everything he wanted and more. Taeyong guessed that even those that had something to say wouldn’t dare to do so in front of a guy like Johnny. 

When they decided to move to Chicago and go to college there, things changed. Taeyong was Johnny’s, and Johnny was his, and everyone knew. Over the years he got used to that sense of carelessness but now he seldom felt like he was a closeted teenager again. Not because Johnny made him feel that way, he still didn’t care about people’s looks or opinions, but rather because he was scared. 

“I’ll ask him about it and I’ll let you know how it goes next time, OK?” Taeyong liked to make plans with his mother. He liked to make promises. He liked to plan things into the future as if having something to look forward to could make it easier for her to actually be alive to fulfil those plans and those promises. 

“Yes, please do,” she caressed his cheek, “don’t forget to say hi to Johnny from me, and maybe bring him along next time.” 

When Taeyong left he didn’t know how to feel. He never did. Talking to his mother, whether that be in person or via phone, has always made him feel better. However, for all he knew, each time he went to see her could be the last. Her condition wasn’t getting worse, but it wasn’t getting better either. 

When he got home, Johnny had prepared dinner for the two of them in the living room and had placed a couple of scented candles around the room. “May I take your jacket, sir?” Johnny, who was now standing to his left, asked him, almost scaring the shit out of him. “Luckily for you, we have only one lovely table for two left.”

“You’re so stupid,” Taeyong smiled and hit him lightly on the shoulder. Taeyong then passed his belongings to Johnny and sat at his place. “Wait, you’re my waiter but also my date? How does that work?” 

Johnny brought him an appetiser and some drinks and sat down in front of him. “I don’t know, just don’t tell my boss because I don’t think my contract allows me to go on dates with our customers.”

“Oh, so I’m special? You don’t do this with every customer?” Taeyong smirked. “Then I’ll make sure to give you a big tip and you can give me yours.”

Johnny almost choked on his drink and raised his eyebrows. “Well, sir, the restaurant is closing soon apparently, so let’s make sure to finish our meal quickly, yeah?” Taeyong laughed at that. He looked around the room, taking it all in, and then he looked at Johnny. Taeyong was so deeply in love. 

Unfortunately, Taeyong had learned a long time ago that being in love doesn’t necessarily ensure your happiness at all times. It helps, but only to a certain extent. And when the person you’re in love with is the person you need the most but they’re not there, it makes everything worse. 

All Taeyong wanted was for everything to stop. Not forever, just momentarily. He needed everything to stop so that he could catch up and breathe. He missed not having to count the breaths between each moment as if that was taking too much time from his day and he couldn’t allow himself to actually live for a few seconds.

He missed being alive for the sake of living rather than doing so just to get to the next obstacle, just to do what he was supposed to do rather than what he wanted to do. He was trying his best, he really was, but life was becoming suffocating, and he didn’t want to bring Johnny down with him.

He didn't want to ruin things for Johnny even more, not when he spent days upon days putting the pieces of Taeyong’s glass heart back together, regardless of the pain he felt when he picked up particularly sharp pieces. Not when he felt like he could only breathe when he was in his arms, because all of a sudden nothing else mattered but that instant, and he wanted their embraces to be as peaceful as possible. 

Things were different now. He wanted to live, but he was just struggling to do so. However, he wasn’t sure if Johnny could tell the difference. He knew that if he said anything about how he was feeling, Johnny would go back to looking at him as if he was waiting for some kind of sign that Taeyong was about to reach his breaking point. 

The only option he had left then was taking care of things by himself. However, Taeyong frequently found himself wondering if the reason why he so often took his time to come up with solutions even for trivial things was that he had been too focused on trying to stay alive when he was younger while everyone was learning how to deal with those things or if he was just that inept. 

He sometimes hated himself for letting all of this negativity take over, but he couldn’t help himself. He let his thoughts run wild and over him. It was a dangerous game but Taeyong often hoped that those thoughts would eventually run away and never come back. 

The saddest part was that these thoughts felt like they came from him. No one had ever forced them upon him. If anything, he grew up in a fairly average environment, he had no sob story to tell. He often felt like he didn’t deserve to be pitied because everything had started from him. 

His perspective changed when he started going to therapy. He realised that even though those thoughts and those feelings came from his own mind, it didn’t mean they came from him, it didn’t mean he caused them and it definitely didn’t mean he should let them define him.

Over the years he had heard it all. He had heard all sorts of advice. Some things were too clichè for him to be impacted by, while other stuck to him, and made him feel seen, made him feel uncovered, made him feel as if a door he didn’t know existed had been unlocked and he had discovered a treasure.

He often repeated to himself the second kind of advice when he needed it the most, and it normally worked, but sometimes it made him feel worse, mainly because it was a constant reminder that other people, normal people do not need to chant like a mantra some complex advice he had received just to help him stay afloat. 

But when that wasn’t enough, that was when he just let his mind take over and prayed that everything would be over soon. So that Friday evening, he curled himself up on the couch, wishing he had the strength to get up to get a blanket, and he let himself cry. He cried because he knew no one could see him, he sobbed because he knew no one could hear him. 

He just wished Johnny had been there to see him and hear him. And most importantly, hold him.

*

Taeyong woke up and everything around him was dark. He reached for his phone and used it to turn on one of the lamps in the living room, not trusting his voice enough to ask their home assistant device to do so. He had never been more grateful for technology. 

He could tell Johnny hadn’t arrived back home just because of the fact that he was still on the couch and without a blanket and if only he hadn’t been too tired to do so, that in itself would have been enough to make him cry again. 

He then noticed he had a bunch of unread texts and missed calls so he focused on those instead. The most recent ones were from Yuta and Doyoung, who asked him how he was doing and where he was respectively. Taeyong furrowed his eyebrows confused. There were then some messages from Ten who was telling him about how Johnny was worried because he wasn’t picking up his phone. Scared, he opened his chat with Johnny.

 **Johnny** (18:09)  
Hey bub, how was work? I’m with my coworkers now, I don’t know how long it’ll take but feel free to have dinner if you get hungry

 **Johnny** (18:11)  
Also, wanna go out this weekend and do something fun? Let me know if you’re down, love you <3

 **Johnny** (19:13)  
Quick update, I’m going to have dinner soon with them, sorry if you were hoping to have dinner together :( I can bring you snacks if you want?

 **Johnny** (19:34)  
Taeyong, I just got a message from Doyoung and he said he tried to call you several times but you didn’t respond, is everything alright? Sorry if you were just taking a nap and I’m bothering you

 **Johnny** (19:51)  
don’t know if youre reading these but im coming back soon <3

Taeyong looked at the time. It was ten past eight. He didn’t know where Johnny was, so he couldn’t guess how long it’d take him to get back home, but he figured he couldn’t have been that far away and so he was probably coming back soon.

He tried to stand up and maybe make himself look less sad, but he just couldn’t. He put his arms around himself, feeling cold, and waited for the sound of the door opening. He wasn’t sure how much time passed, but eventually, the front door opened. 

The back of the couch was facing the entrance, so from Johnny’s perspective, the living room must have looked empty. “Taeyong?” he closed the door and removed his shoes. 

“Here,” Taeyong said quietly, hoping that Johnny could still hear him. Just a few seconds later, Johnny approached him on the couch and sat on the floor in front of him. Taeyong, whose eyes were fixated on a spot on the carpet behind him, smiled weakly. “Hello, handsome.”

Johnny raised one of his hands and brought it closer to Taeyong’s face slowly, giving him enough time to react and stop him in case he didn’t want to be touched. When Johnny started caressing Taeyong’s hair, he closed his eyes and shifted on the couch as he made himself smaller. “I’m going to give you some options, you just nod at the option you like the most, OK?”

Taeyong nodded. “The options are couch, bed, bath or dinner,” Johnny said, “if you want to stay on the couch, I can bring you a blanket and some pillows and I could stay with you if you wanted, or if you want, we could do that on our bed instead, I’d pick you up and take you there obviously, but if you don’t want to sleep, I could run you a bath —”

Taeyong nodded again. “So, you don’t want to rest or have dinner now?”

“Later,” Taeyong replied. His body felt heavy but he wasn’t tired per se, his mind was, but to feel better he had to stay awake. He wanted to spend time with Johnny, and do cute things, and cuddle, and kiss, and then maybe talk. 

“OK, are you alright staying here alone for a quick second as I go to the bathroom?” Johnny asked, trying his best not to sound concerned. 

“Yeah, it’s fine,” Taeyong tried to reassure him as he smiled and looked at him this time. He knew that Johnny had no other option anyway, he had to leave the room and he was just asking him because he was worried. 

Johnny’s hand stopped and he stood up, just to lean down and give him a kiss on his temple. “I’ll be back soon, OK?” Taeyong turned his head around, looking at Johnny, and raised his arms to bring him down again and kissed him deeply on his lips. 

“Thank you.” Taeyong gave him another quick peck and let him go. 

Johnny came back in just a couple of minutes and by then, Taeyong had sat up by himself and leaned forward, his face on his hands. The problem about letting people in was that it’s almost impossible to push them out again. Johnny was already worried about him and he had seen just how sad he was, so there was no way he could back up now. 

“Taeyong?” 

“Yes?” Taeyong dropped his hands and looked up at Johnny. He sat up properly and reached over to Johnny, bringing him in front of him and raised his arms. “Shall we go?”

Johnny smiled softly and leaned down, letting Taeyong latch his arms around his shoulders, and then pulled him up. Taeyong crossed his legs around Johnny’s waist and nuzzled his head against his neck. When they entered the bathroom, Johnny sat him on the edge of the bathtub. “Do you want me to join you?”

Taeyong nodded and pouted. “Yes, please.” 

“Let me get more towels then.” As Johnny left, Taeyong looked around the bathroom, noticing how everything had been left untouched, the razors, scissors, any sharp object that was usually left out in the morning when they were in a rush were all there where they had been left. Not that Johnny had ever hidden them, but his sister used to. 

Johnny once admitted that his sister came up to him one day and asked him to keep an eye on her brother, to make sure that he couldn’t hurt himself again, but Johnny knew better. Johnny trusted him, and he also knew how disappointed Taeyong would have been if he had ever tried to control him like that. Still, whenever he got this sad he almost expected him to be extremely cautious but was always glad to see that it never happened.

After all, Johnny was aware of the fact that if Taeyong wanted to hurt himself, he could hide all of the things he wanted and control him however he pleased, but Taeyong could have still found a way, so Johnny preferred placing his trust in him, hoping that he would come to him if he needed help with anything. 

“Are you ready?” Johnny urged him once he was back inside the bathroom. They eventually got undressed and entered the bathtub, Taeyong slotted between Johnny’s legs as his back and the other’s chest came into contact. 

“How was your day?” Taeyong asked at some point. 

Johnny tilted his head to look at him, wondering if he really wanted to listen to him rather than talking about whatever had been upsetting him. Taeyong just smiled and nodded, prompting him to answer the question. “It was nice,” he eventually said, “Joohyun called me in the morning as I was going to work, she asked me about me, about us, and it was nice, I feel like I haven’t talked to her in a while.

“Then as I was busy at my desk, Taeil hyung approached me and asked me if I wanted to hang out with him and the others, but if I have to be honest I wasn’t too sure who ‘the others’ were, but I still decided to say yes after I messaged you, and well, the rest of my day at work was pretty normal.”

“How’s Joohyun doing? Is she losing her mind without you at work?”

Johnny chuckled. “She’s taking care of a new intern and apparently she realised that maybe I wasn’t too bad when I first joined, which in hindsight doesn’t sound like too much of a compliment but I still thanked her anyway.” As he spoke, he moved his hands to Taeyong’s hair to wash it, “Oh, she says hi, by the way, she was asking if we would like to have a Facetime call with her and whoever is down.”

Taeyong moved a bit so that Johnny could easily reach the back of his head. “I think that’d be a cute idea, we just have to find a time that matches our schedules, especially considering the fact that we’re in different timezones.”

“Yeah, but we have time to think about that, I’m sure we can figure things out.” Johnny started massaging Taeyong’s scalp, who closed his eyes, enjoying the feeling, and held himself up by putting his hands on Johnny’s bent up knees. 

“Sure,” Taeyong agreed, “anyway, who did you go out with in the end? What did you do?” 

Johnny went on to tell him about Jaehyun, who had always been quiet and shy around Johnny but apparently, they had a lot in common; Seulgi, who had been friendly towards him since the beginning and was always very warm and kind; Taeyeon, who was always more on the serious side when they were at work but turned out to be much different; Jungwoo, a bright and cheerful kid that had just started working there; lastly, Kun, the only one of the bunch that Johnny had never interacted with before. 

He then told him about the bar they went to, what they talked about, what they did, and Taeyong knew he tried his best to leave out the parts where he worried about Taeyong and eventually decided to leave early. As he got approached the end of his story, he was almost done with washing Taeyong’s hair, “I’m glad you had fun with them.”

They fell in a comfortable silence that gave Taeyong enough time to gather his thoughts. He knew that this couldn’t last forever and at some point, he would have to give him some kind of explanation as to what had been going on with him. Johnny kissed his shoulder. “Wanna get out of here?” Taeyong whined, which earned him another brief kiss, “We can’t stay here forever.”

“Sure,” Taeyong eventually agreed, rolling his eyes. Once they were out of the bathtub, Johnny wrapped him in a robe that was way too big for him, and they went to their bedroom. Taeyong opened Johnny’s side of the wardrobe and took two hoodies. “Here,” he said as he handed the other one of them. 

Johnny chortled, “I mean, thank you, but I’m going to end up with no clothes if you keep on wearing mine.”

Taeyong shrugged his shoulders and went to get a pair of underwear from his drawer. “Your clothes are warmer, so deal with it.”

They both got changed and Taeyong quickly glanced at the full body mirror they had in the bedroom. He looked horrible. His hair was still damp and all over the place, he was wearing one of Johnny’s large hoodies, a pair of old sweatpants that probably had a hole somewhere and mismatched socks. At least he knew that if Johnny loved him even when he looked like this, he must have loved him a lot. 

“How’s your stomach feeling? Are you hungry?” Johnny turned him around and put his hands on his waist. 

“Just a bit peckish,” Taeyong bit his lip, “but we can talk now if you want.”

“We don’t have to talk at all if you don’t want to, though,” Johnny reassured him. 

“I know, we don’t have to, but I feel like we should, and if I keep on avoiding it, I don’t know, I — I think I need to talk to you more than anything.” Tears swelled up in his eyes. He was so tired of crying. He was tired in general. 

“Babe,” Johnny cupped his face with his hands, “I’m here, you can talk to me.” Taeyong got closer and brought his arms around Johnny, holding him tight, and the taller returned the embrace immediately. “How long has it been going on for?” 

“I don’t know.” And that much was true. He didn’t know exactly when things got worse. Was it when they moved? Maybe it had all gone downhill after that, but they had moved because of him. It didn’t feel right to complain about something he had caused. “It just got a lot worse this week.”

“Would you like to sit down and tell me about your week?” Taeyong nodded at that and Johnny brought them closer to the bed, bringing Taeyong on his lap as he sat down. “Are you comfortable?” Johnny scooted back so that he could lean against the headboard, and Taeyong put his hands on the other’s chest. 

“Yep, don’t worry,” he passed a hand through his hair and sighed. “I visited my mum the other day,” Taeyong told him after a few moments of silence, “I didn’t tell you just because I thought there wasn’t much to tell, she’s still the same, I’m surprised the doctors haven’t just given up and sent her home, waiting for her to eventually get worse and need to go back.”

“Don’t say that,” Johnny caressed his sides softly and offered him a small smile. 

“I know, I know, I should be positive and all that, but I know they’re trying their best, I know they’re trying different cures and stuff, and sure, she isn’t getting worse now, but it seems like nothing is effectively working either.” He knew Johnny would try to convince him that being negative wouldn’t lead to much, but he didn’t need that pep talk now. “I just wish there was a way to know whenever I visit her if it’s going to be the last time.”

“I can’t imagine how hard it must be to be in your position, but you are doing your best to help, you often visit her and she knows that both you and your sister love her a lot, I know it’s not the answer you might want to hear, but you just gotta live each day as it comes and for now, there’s nothing you can do.”

Taeyong pursued his lips. “I know, I guess that’s what makes it so difficult, though.”

“Do you want me to come with you next time you go?” Johnny suggested.

“She actually asked me about you, I’m sure she’d love to see you.” 

Johnny smiled. “Then it’s sorted, just let me know when you wanna go. But is there anything else that happened?”

Taeyong looked down and Johnny got his hands in his and circled his thumbs slowly, trying to comfort him. “A student came up to me after my last class, and I just asked her if she needed help with something, but then she looked at me and she told me she was planning on jumping off the roof of the school today, but she wanted to wait for my class before doing it.”

Everything stopped for Johnny as soon as Taeyong told him what had happened. He didn’t know what to say, how he was supposed to react, but he knew he couldn’t stay silent. “Taeyong, I —”

“Don’t say you’re sorry, it’s not your fault,” Taeyong looked up and gave him the best smile he could at that moment, “I just didn’t know what to do, I made sure she got home, I tried to talk to her and she seemed convinced, but I have been there, I have had people tell me shit that I didn’t want to hear and I had to pretend that whatever they thought they were doing worked on me, so for all I know, she might be dead as we speak, Johnny, she might be fucking dead and I—”

Taeyong covered his face with his hands and tried not to cry again for the nth time that week. “It’s not your fault either, babe, she came to you because she probably wanted someone to help her, and she trusted you, and you have done your best, I know you have because that’s what you always do for other people, and it must be fucking horrible to not know, to have to wait to see if she’s safe, but whatever happens, it is not your fault.”

Before speaking, Taeyong moved his hands away and held one of Johnny’s in his, “It’s dumb but I wish she had picked any day but today, like, it’s Friday, I have to wait for the entire weekend to know, so much could happen in two days.”

“It’s not dumb, Yong, it’s really not,” Johnny reassured him, “is there any way you can contact her?”

Taeyong had already thought about it. “The school usually has the parents’ phone numbers saved, so even if I managed to get that document it’s not like I could call her at home without getting her parents involved, and the only way I can get her actual phone number is by asking Mr. Bong, he’s her homeroom teacher.”

In all honesty, as he walking back home, Taeyong had considered asking him. He would have probably told him that he’d only do it if he agreed to go on a date with him, but Taeyong still considered it. Not that he’d ever do that to Johnny, nor would he do that to _himself_ , but maybe if he agreed, he could then find a way to avoid him, make up some excuse to never go on that date. 

He knew it’d never work, that maybe that he would end up getting fired as a form of sick revenge, and he didn’t know what to do. Should he risk his job and possibly his own safety to make sure that one of his students would be OK? All he knew was that if Johnny suggested that, if he also thought that it’d be worth it, then he wouldn’t have anything to keep him from doing it. But he also knew Johnny would barely see that plan as a solution. 

“And he’d never give you her number out of the goodness of his heart,” Johnny tried to stay calm, more to not upset Taeyong than anything else, but he was extremely annoyed. “Can you not try and see if Yehjin can ask him?”

“I could do that, or I could ask YooA, I – I think she’s closer to him and less scared than Yehjin.” To be fair, that did sound like a better plan. “It’s just that, it never mattered how alone I used to feel, I always had people around me, even when I didn’t want anyone’s help, but she thought the best person to go to was me,” he pointed at himself, “how desperate do you have to be to come to me?” Taeyong laughed bitterly as he let the tears fall. 

“You’re an amazing teacher, always have been, and kids rely on you because they can see that you’re genuine, that you care about them, and I think that it’s what she needs right now, she needs someone like you, and then you can make sure that she gets professional help if she wants that, because, at the end of the day, you can only help to a certain extent, babe.”

Taeyong rolled his eyes. “I’m an amazing teacher but apparently Kian got expelled recently.”

Johnny made a confused face. “I don’t see how that has anything to do with you, though, we’ve both always agreed that most of his teachers had given up on him, so if anything it’s their fault, you did anything you could to help when you were still there.”

“It’s just that,” Taeyong took a deep shaky breath, “we had to leave because of me and within a month Kian gets expelled, and I know you’ve been struggling too and I have been waiting for you to say something, to come to me for help, but you haven’t done that yet and I feel bad because I want you to rely on me too, and I feel so sorry because none of this would be happening if we stayed in Chicago.

“I’ve been feeling so guilty and so stressed over everything and I—this week has been horrible, and I didn’t want to worry you or bother you because you already do so much for me, you moved to a different country because of me, but I need a break, I—I want everything to stop, it hurts, Johnny.” Taeyong was a mess. He could barely breathe, he was full-on sobbing, his head hurt, and his nose was getting stuffy. 

Without too much thought, Johnny engulfed him in his embrace and let him cry on his shoulder as he whispered words filled with love. They stayed like that for what felt like hours. His headache only got worse but at least he slowly started to calm down. “You should never feel like you have to keep things to yourself, OK? Even if you think you’re doing it for me.”

What Taeyong was initially afraid of was disappointing Johnny, so he tried his best to deal with things on his own, but then, when he realised that he should maybe talk to Johnny, he became afraid of hurting him. What would he think? Taeyong didn’t want him to feel like he didn’t trust him, or that he wasn’t doing enough. He knew that Johnny would kick himself mentally for not having realised that something was wrong and Taeyong didn’t want him to. 

“And I know that this might sound very hypocritical because it’s true, I have been struggling, but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t think there was anything to say, I mean, we moved to a new country, adapting takes time and it’s normal, but I also wanted to avoid this, I didn’t want you to feel responsible when I’m the one that wanted to move here.

“But we can talk about me later, right now I want you to know just how much I love you, and how proud I am of you for not only dealing with all of this and so many other things at the same time, but also for being honest with me, I can only imagine how hard and scary it must be to be dealing with these feelings, you only deserve to feel nothing but happiness, and together we can get there, step by step, day by day.” 

“Together?”

“Yeah, together, I am never going to leave you, you’re stuck with me, Lee Taeyong.” Johnny held him closer and when Taeyong looked up he noticed a tear falling down his face. The pair smiled at each other. They had each other and that was all that mattered at that moment. Neither of them could know if everything was going to be fine, but they could work together to at least make their days better. 

They both knew that Taeyong’s feelings wouldn’t just disappear with a warm bath and a warmer hug, but they had managed to get through it once, and Taeyong trusted them to get through this together. 

“I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve you,” Taeyong whispered.

Johnny smirked. “Dunno, you must have saved a whole country in your past life or something.”

Taeyong hit him on his chest. “Oh, shut up.”

**Author's Note:**

>  **TRIGGER WARNINGS** If you're here to know more about the possibly triggering things that this story includes, here's what you're looking for:
> 
> Suicidal thoughts — it is implied a couple of times that Taeyong has struggled with them in the past and that he has hurt himself before, and one of his students is also dealing with them, which does trigger him. It is specified though that Taeyong does not actually want to hurt himself again in any way, he just needs a break from life. 
> 
> Homophobia — Taeyong simply thinks about what it means to be a same-sex couple in Seoul and how his past lovers have always been afraid of PDA and the possible repercussions, but that's it
> 
> Blackmail — someone at Taeyong's workplace threatens to get him fired if he doesn't do what he wants, but Taeyong has a plan to gather evidence against him and use it against him if necessary. It is not a huge part of the plot whatsoever though.
> 
> If you think any of this might trigger you, please do yourself a favour and do not read it. Wish you the best x
> 
>  **END NOTES** If you're here because you've finished reading this, well, thank you for reaching the very end, I hope you liked it! 
> 
> I got this idea upon watching Anthony Padilla's video ["I spent a day with substitute teachers"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1Jz523UHeU) and one of the teachers mentioned the same scenario that occurs in this story of a student telling her about her suicidal thoughts. Originally this story was supposed to be just about that, but I got carried away...
> 
> Anyway, if you are or anyone you know is struggling too, please, reach out. I have been there myself and I know how incredibly hard it is, but I promise you that there is help out there. Here's a [list](http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html) of hotlines for various countries. 
> 
> During times like these, it can be even harder, so look after yourself and please stay safe.  
> Don't forget to wash your hands and stay inside when possible!  
> If you're interested, here's my [Twitter](https://twitter.com/agustdolce) and here's my [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/agustdolce) :)  
> 


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